002. The Tofu Post

This morning I weighed in at 111.6

Even though this is a loss from 113, this week has been one of those crazy fluctuations between loss and gain, loss and gain. On Tuesday I weighed in at 111.0, while on thursday I was all the way up to 113.8. Considering I managed not to binge the entire week that number is fucking insane! I think it may be a combination of bloating from my period, plus stress about final exams, and water retention from laxative use (which is something I promised myself I would never resort to again, so fuck me).

Anyway, I am determined to keep up this binge-free week and keep losing. Today will be particularly trying because usually on the weekends I have a complete binge fest in response to the weight I've lost during the week. Which ups my weight so that I have to start the whole thing over again on Monday which perpetuates the never ending cycle. But not this week! I will be good, and thats a promise I plan to keep.

Today my intake will hopefully be around 800 cal.
Breakfast: Coffee, banana, 105c.
Lunch: Fried tofu + eggwhite sandwich with lettuce 200c.
Dinner: Fried brown rice with egg + broccoli 380c
Snack: Blueberry yogurt 110c.
Total: 795cal

Okay, So I'm not sure if anyone noticed but I named this post "The Tofu Post" because I am such a firm advocate for tofu and I really want everyone to know about how utterly and completely amazing it is (especially for those who suffer from ED's).

The reason why I love tofu so much is because I have been a vegetarian for about 13 years. For the majority of that time, I turned up my nose at tofu because I tried a very badly prepared plate of tofu and absolutely hated it. About a year ago however, I began to finally see that in addition to the damage my ED was doing to my body, so too was the fact that I wasn't getting the right about of nutrients and protein from not eating meat. So I caved, looked up tofu recipes, and began to incorporate it into my diet.
The first thing I love about tofu is that it is SO CALORIE LIGHT. seriously, it has so few calories that it's actually unbelievable  I buy firm tofu that comes in precut squares (shown above), and each square is 9 calories. The square is so big that  I cut it into three parts, and usually cook and eat about 5 or 6 squares at a time so when I'm finished cutting all of it into parts it looks like so much food, but its under 60 calories! The nutrients plus the fact that it doesn't have many calories makes it perfect for when you want to feel full but not actually consume a lot of calories.

The second thing I like about tofu is that its so cheap! I usually buy one package of tofu a week and it costs a whopping $1.78. For tofu meals that lasts me an entire week!
Another benefit of tofu is its versatility. You can incorporate it into so many dishes, mostly those where you would put chicken. I put tofu in my rice, i make tofu sandwiches, i put it in my ramen, I put it in my salad (warm just made tofu + ice cold lettuce OMG!), and sometimes I just eat it plain for a snack.

The trick with tofu is that you have to know how to prepare it correctly. You can bake it or eat it raw, but I prefer to fry it (using butter flavored, zero calorie cooking spray). Before I fry it, I cut the tofu into how ever many pieces I want and then I season it with whatever flavors Im feeling that day. Tofu is virtually flavorless, so it will taste like whatever seasonings flavors you choose to use. My favorites are Fajita seasoning,  onion seasonings, and this really random seasoning simply called "seasoning salt" and its delicious.
After its seasoned, you have to figure out the sort of texture you like your tofu to be. For some things, like fried rice, I like my tofu a little softer so I only fry for a couple of minutes until its a golden-y brown. For other things, like salad, I like it a little crispier so I fry it for longer.
There are loads of recipes online that have different instructions on how to prepare so you've just got to find the one that works for you!

Okay, getting off of my tofu soapbox now. I just really felt like spreading the gospel!
This has been a ridiculously long post, I know, but I'm just really excited because in an hour I'll be off to get the rest of my half-sleeve finished! I started it a few months ago and I'm so anxious to just see my tattoo in its entirety. Bring on the pain :)

till next time!

Astorica C X

001. I'm Back

113.0
This morning, my scale read 113.0 pounds.
I felt my heart deflate and then melt into a sludge of red slime as my eyes looked in shock and disappointment at the disgusting number.
113.0.
I shook my head slowly at first, and then more furiously as the number began to sink in.
113.0

I knew why the scale was punishing me. I knew why because I'd been expecting it. The past two days have been undeniably terrible in terms of my dieting, and I knew full well when I was shoving those sandwiches  that hefty vegan burger, and that strawberry cheesecake shake down my throat that the scale would not be kind to me the next time I dared step onto its cold, metal plates.

113.0

The number keeps bouncing around in my head. I mentally abuse myself for letting my weight balloon up to this unforgivable number. A number 3 pounds more than the number that I promised myself I would EVER reach again. 11 pounds more than my lowest weight. 6 pounds more than my comfort weight and 5 pounds more than the number I read on the scale just 2 days ago.

5 pounds in 2 days.


5 pounds. in two. days.

2 weeks ago after seeing the dreadful 113 after a weekend of the most disgusting binge I've ever had, I promised, vowed to myself that I would never see that number again. That beginning that day, I would watch that number shrink back into the one-oh's, the numbers right between 100 and 110 that still allowed me to feel "healthy" but undeniably ultra thin and enviable at the same time. I ate nothing but fruits, soups, and low calorie energy bars. I am especially proud of myself because this past week in particular was very trying. We had a "potluck" in my History of Victorian England class, where everyone was supposed to bring foods you might find on a Victorian dinner table. People brought sandwiches  cakes, scones, muffins, all kinds of calorie packed goodies. And what did I have? 4 strawberries, which  I applauded myself for the self control I administered while everyone else was chowing down on that junk.
And at work,
someone brought in Dominos pizza one night, and banana cream pie the next.
its like they all KNEW I was restricting, and they were testing me to see how strong I was. Well I showed them. I didn't touch any of that disgusting crap.

In fact, this week I was a damned near perfect dietess
I didn't drink.
I didn't take any laxatives.
I didn't binge.
I didn't do any drugs.
and miraculously, when I stepped on the scale thursday morning, the number read 108.6

108.6

I was so emphatic that I donned my tiniest pair of american apparel disco shorts and my tiniest body hugging tank top and I strutted around my campus relishing in the envious stares of my classmates. As though 108.6 was flashing on a sign hung around my neck, and everyone could see exactly how hard I had worked to get such a number.

and now, I am 113.0

and in the 20 minutes between writing this sentence and the previous one, I just got some extremely annoying and hurtful news from a "friend" who decided to ditch our plans for the next two days and is just now telling me. After I've been waiting for this weekend for a while and got up so anxious to get the day started.
Now I just want to crawl back into bed.
with doughnuts.
and cake.
and cookies.
and everything else I denied myself for the past two weeks.

I mean, hey, I'm already at 113.
Might as well keep up the good work.








ps. This my very first post in a long time. My previous blog was KeepingThin, but I deleted it several months ago after trying to get "healthy".
anyway,
IM BACK.